Further to our board meeting in the sauna that was our Ramada hotel in Bruhl we made the decision to drive straight to Rust and bypass EuroDisney. Let’s face it, we’ve all seen Mickey probably one time too many and if we have to listen to “It’s a small world” one more time we might have to make a visit to the nearest gunsmith for a Smith & Wesson hangover cure.

So Rust it is, via Köblenz. Take the motorway – even my Corva couldn’t miss it.

Last night of course was a truly unique experience. As the temperatures outside hit 27C the temperature inside our room hit a little over 36C. Without the aid of air-con we MELTED! Even the mini-fridge in the room was waving the white flag by 3.30am.

Armando was in the buff – not a sight to behold on a full stomach. I was fully clothed in the vague hope that the mosquitoes would attack the sea of pink flesh next to me and spare the delicate bits that were my privates. I also hoped that being fully clothed I would survive the tsunami of sweat that would inevitably roll in some time before dawn.

Survival was ensured when we woke up simultaneously at just after 5am. A series of showers ensued where each of us emerged from the bathroom wetter than when we had gone in and by 7.30 we were banging down the breakfast door. This was the time that the heavens opened in thunder and lightening thereby moving the humidity enough to enjoy a cup of coffee and a fistfull of ant-malaria tablets that remained from our Goan recce.

Soon we hit the autobahn and, thanks to the modern miracle that is reliable KIAn aircon, we had our route planned in.

“Gut Morgen Deutschland” had announced that Germany was in the midst of its longest ever heatwave. They had even put a baby in a car to show how long it took to cook a baby – of course it depends on whether you prefer your baby rare, medium or well done…..There were also some bogus references to their apparently beating England in South Africa. Let’s see them do so well at Lords next month! Promise no more World Cup references but did you see that goal?

Today’s drive is a mere 400km which is very manageable. We hope that tonight we get another air-con free hotel as I definately need to lose some weight so that I can fit into my wife’s wedding dress.

First wee wee stop is at Brühltal where we take on diesel in exchange for a tank of urine. The owner, a close friend to Armando, has Parkinson’s and insisted on filling the car for us – still it was only €420 for the fuel which is not bad and, as he also has Alzheimers, we gave him €40 and told him to keep the change for which he was very grateful.

Armando also insisted on cleaning the swarm of mosquitoes we were giving a lift to, off the car windows. Of course all he succeeded in doing was giving them a bath and they hung on for dear life rather than lose their meal ticket as well as their ride.

We have had some music issues on the way down but finally find a soft rock station playing REO Speedwagon, Fleetwood Mac, America, The Eagles, etc. We both hate it but keep it on in the hope that each of us hates it more than the other.

Lunch was in a Rasthof – I had a solero and 5 litres of water whilst Armando had something stuffed in something else in gravy with pomme something or other. Very appetising.

Soon, despite the roadworks that seem to line the roads of Germany at the moment (apparently designed to cause maximum delay to the holidaymakers and their kids) we approached Rust and EuropaPark which is very well signposted.

Have you ever cacked your pants just looking at a rollercoaster from 5km away?

Welkommen to EuropaPark. I can hear the screams as we enter the car park and then see the main coaster that towers over the park and of course much of the car park giving participants a chance to puke on their own cars as they pass by. Five – yes FIVE – are in view with a few cute rides inside.

It is now 2.30pm and 28C with around 73% humidity (approximately). This means that the sweat stains on my shorts will hide the urine stains that will ineviably appear as I try out the rides. Armando of course claims some kind of heart condition that forces him to sit at the foot of the ride with a cornetto but I secretly promise to get my own back asap.

Two hours of abject terror follow as Armando manages to perfect his magic trick of making ice-cream disappear before everyone’s eyes. Well worth the €35 entrance fee – which we will of course negotiate down in time for your arrival.

The Park is massive – maybe worth two days of exploration – pack extra undies! There are some quite unbelievable rides….

From Blue Fire:

Atlantica:

And….

I am finally stretchered from the park with heat exhaustion and bladder dehydration, back to the car where we are escorted from the premises. Apparently I embarrassed all staff preset with my screaming and persistant swearing but what do you do when the previous most scary ride I have been on was the Barbie teacups at DollyWorld?

We programme the HansHans to take us on a little way to Freiburg where we are promised a night of drunken debauchery – or a schnitzel with a diet coke and chips. I opt for the fried catfish which I have been told is über-wunderbar than a piece of breaded calf but what do I know?

We get into Freiburg, park our butts in the hotel and consider our next move – dinner and a walk around the town.

We saw a lot – notwithstanding Armando’s crazy idea of stuffing me full of all the city’s foodstuffs within the space of an hour by our visiting every eatery within a 2km square – all part of his plan to win our weight loss bet.

There was of course some of the superb architecture to digest as well…

In short (or shorts) get your arse to Freiburg is my best advice. What a truly smashing town. Picturesque and friendly, full of history and some really nice restaurants.

More about the night tomorrow – now need to sign off and wash my ünterhosen in time for our special drive tomorrow. As they say in the movies – “sleep tight and may whichever God you chose, be with you.”